


My First and Last

by renjunphile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Happy Ending, Idol AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 04:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18731692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunphile/pseuds/renjunphile
Summary: Many people would claim you didn’t know what love was at 17 and that you couldn’t fall in love at 17, but you were certain Huang Renjun showed you exactly how to love.





	My First and Last

**THERE WAS A BOY YOU LOVED**. His name was Huang Renjun.

For you, life was complicated. Life progressed like the pathway of a rollercoaster for you. There were many times in your life that the climb was steep, but rising - a gradual progress until you think you’re going to be on top of the whole world, and then there are moments when you’re hurtling towards the centre of the Earth, feeling isolated and terrified despite others being on the same journey as you.

There were many times in your life that you felt like you were on the World’s hardest, steepest, worst and most unstable rollercoaster, but through all this, Huang Renjun became your harness.

_You met him when you were 15._

This was when he began to appear around the SM training complex, that of which felt like your home more than your own house did. From the age of 10, you’d done nothing but sleep, breathe and eat singing, dancing and training. You had one goal in life- to be an entertainer that made people happy. Everyone knew that the career path to being an idol was one of the toughest, most unstable careers. It was extremely volatile, extremely fragile and definitely down to perseverance.

Renjun visited the training centre being guided by some of the Chinese trainees. While his Korean was good for how long he had been learning, he wasn’t the most confident and only bowed politely and murmured the usual greetings. The boys and the girls trained in separate places, but he was brought over to see.

You don’t remember much from that day, whether it had been Kun or Sicheng that had taken him around, or some other trainees, but you do remember how brightly he smiled, and how he never escaped your head for a single day after that.

_You learned that you loved him at 17._

Being a trainee, dating was heavily, heavily advised against. You should be focusing on one thing and one thing only- working hard to debut. Being an idol, dating was even worse. You should be focused on your group and your fans. So a trainee and an idol falling in love was not the most ideal scenario.

The two of you had never gone out on a date. Heck, you’d never sat alone together in the SM cafeteria at lunch.

But you fell in love through the small things.

You adored him when he approached you with the pinkest cheeks one lunch, reluctantly asking for your KakaoTalk ID. You admired him when you were able to watch one of their dance practices and he almost collapsed from exhaustion but tended to his younger members first with offerings of his water. You respected him for all the times that you might get carried away and he gently corrected you before the two of you could get into trouble. After all, this was your careers at risk. You grew annoyed at him for staying up so late on the phone with you, even if only communicating through occasional whispers and soft sounds, when he had schedules so early in the morning. You were grateful for him when he would hold you tightly in a storage room closet of the facility after being told, again, that your debut was being pushed back. You loved him for all the times he would see you passing in the corridors and he would murmur how much he loved you too.

For two people who worked in the same area almost daily, you felt like you had a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t often that you would see him, out of fear of any manager or staff finding out, because if there was one thing you didn’t want more than having to not see him often, it was the thought of being separated.

The two of you fell in love through words on dimly lit screens. You fell in love through soft whispers on the phone on the balconies of your rooms, even if it was freezing outside. You fell in love through suppressed giggles in fear of waking up your roommates.

Many people would claim you didn’t know what love was at 17 and that you couldn’t fall in love at 17, but you were certain Huang Renjun showed you exactly how to love.

_You finally debuted at 18._

By this point, Renjun had debuted for almost 2 years already. So the night before your debut, where you were given a rare time to just relax and celebrate, he took you out to his favourite low-profile restaurant under disguises of masks and hats and inconspicuous clothing. He held your hand over the table, telling you how he wanted no more than to take you to the fanciest restaurant in Seoul where you could dress up to the nines and eat overpriced, under-portioned food, but “this is all we can have”.

You confided how nervous you were for your debut, especially to be your group’s leader. You also confided how ready you were for it because you hadn’t trained 8 years for nothing.

Renjun told you how proud he was of you, and how although he hadn’t even known you for half your training time, he knew how hard you worked and how much you deserved it. He told you of all the advice he had learned and garnered from both  _sunbaes_ and through experience, and he comforted you with hand-squeezes and gentle words of encouragement.

When you debuted the next day at your showcase, your favourite flower arrangement was not the grand displays that your  _sunbaes_  sent to your dressing room- it was the small bouquet of sweet-smelling baby’s breath flowers and gardenias.

_At 18, you were separated from him._

You had messed up one day. You had carelessly approached him at lunchtime at the SM complex, overjoyed to see him for the first time for a few weeks. You had amazing news about your debut and how well-received it had been, that you hadn’t realised that managers had been watching your every move the moment you got up from your seat. You had hugged Renjun right there, forgetting about your surroundings because you were so happy.

That day became one of the worst in your life.

The two of you were taken immediately to a high-ranking official and interrogated on the spot about your relationship. While Renjun never possessed the title of actually being your boyfriend, he did possess your heart. When you uttered to the staff member in your smallest voice possible that you loved Renjun, you were met with the loudest screams that two 18-year-olds had zero clue on what the slightest bit of love felt like.

Renjun could only stare at your clenched fists through misty eyes as your whole body shook from sobbing. The man was wrong; you both knew it.

The senior-ranking official gave you instructions. No communicating, no eye-contact, no nothing or else you’d be tossed straight out of SM into the streets, no matter if you were debuted idols. Rules were rules, and rule-breakers deserved punishment.

He let you say goodbye alone, at least.

_You found out just how truly in love you were at 18._

The world seemed to collapse at your feet as soon as you found yourself on top of that rollercoaster. Life was difficult; it seemed like it didn’t want you to be happy at all.

When you were unable to speak to Renjun after your technology being seized, you realised the depth of your love for him.

All the days without him, you felt melancholy. You desired his presence, you desired his love and you desired the strength he could give you for each passing hardship.

Huang Renjun’s smile was the first thing you knew of him, and it was the first time you began to miss. His smile was like the feeling of sliding under your warm covers when the outside world slept under inches of white snow. At the same time, his smile felt like the feeling of the sun cascading over you on a warm summer’s day as you walked beside patches of flowers so bright and vibrant, they rivalled his eyes.

His eyes became the next thing you missed. They were always warm, always loving and always longing for you. You loved the way they crinkled together on your grainy phone screen whenever you’d make him laugh. You loved the way he could seem to communicate with you through his eyes only, and how you knew you would spend eternity looking into them if you could.

You missed his hugs next. His hugs were the slight breeze in Spring and the crunch of dark leaves in Autumn. They were familiar and cosy and you missed the way he’d engulf you for so long as if it was the last time he could ever see you. To be fair, with lives like yours, every hug could easily have been the last.

Finally, you missed his kisses. Huang Renjun kissed slowly and passionately. He was the type of boy to place his palm on your cheek, stare deeply into your eyes and run his thumb over your lips in silent permission before he connected his lips to yours. He kissed like the world was ending around him, and he kissed as if he didn’t care. He always kissed you like he loved you, because he truly did.

_At a later age in life, you found yourself back to him._

When you were forced apart in that dingy little office and were granted time alone to say goodbye, you had held his hands tighter than you had ever before. You had looked into his eyes, searching for anything, before your racing heart slowed.

“I’ll find you again, Huang Renjun,” you had promised to him, “You’ve already taken my heart and I’m not letting you give it back.”

Huang Renjun was always the comforter in the relationship. He always had the right things to say for the right times and you always listened.

When you were forced apart was one time that you did all the speaking.

The life of an idol was extremely fragile. It was walking on thin ice on high heels; it was walking a tightrope over a canyon with no harness. Huang Renjun became your seat belt and your safety net all at once.

He kept you grounded, he kept you stable. He loved you and that gave you strength. He gave you hope and he gave you comfort. He gave you his heart, too.

So in that office, you told him firmly.

The two of you were soulmates connected for eternity by an invisible and therefore unbreakable bond. One way or another, in this lifetime or next, you’ll be Huang Renjun’s, and he’ll be your’s.

When you were apart, there was not a day that you didn’t miss him with every micrometre of your body. When you were together for award shows and music shows and concerts, you longed for him like no other.

Eventually, you were in touch again, but neither of you made any moves so big beyond smiling at each other in the corridors, even if you would tell him how you never stopped or will stop, loving him. Although he would tell you the same words back, you waited. There and then wasn’t the right time.

You knew that you would find the right time, and the right time you found once your careers began dwindling down. You had been on top of the world for years, just seemingly not together.

There was little resistance when you were forced to split because you both knew that first and foremost, your career was important. You knew that love would stay when it was the right time. The first time you fell in love with him was just not the right time for you to stay, but you knew that because you fell in love with him, the world will eventually bring you back together.

When you found your hearts gravitating towards each other again, you knew that this time, it would work. You were right.

The moment you fell for Huang Renjun many years ago, you knew that there was no exit no matter where you looked. Huang Renjun was the first boy that you gave your heart too, and he was the last boy who would keep it safe in the confines of his own vacant chest.

Love knew no age, and it knew no time. Life knew no boundaries, and it knew no comfort. And you? You knew that no matter what, you would love Huang Renjun.


End file.
